Perfect Isn’t Real
I was recently on Pinterest looking for haircut inspiration. Looking at the “models” in the pictures, I realized an uncanny feeling seeing their objectively beautiful faces. They were all images created by A.I.
This is not a “shit on A.I.” post. I, like so many people, have mixed feelings about it. No matter your specific views about artificial intelligence, no one can deny the specific style of a computer generated image of a “human”. It’s actually not quite human. There is an eerie quality to these images: they are perfect (except for the ones with extra limbs or misaligned features, of course).
Perfect is such an interesting term. We all know what we mean by it, yet it can be used or inferred in a few different ways. One of the oxford dictionary definitions is, “(something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible”. I wonder, when determining what the “fault” or “defect” is, who is the judge? Something that one person would find attractive might be off-putting to someone else. The idea of “perfect” gives an air of objective view, but it is actually quite subjective.
More colloquially, “perfect” is used to confirm alignment.
“Can you meet me at 2pm?”
“That’s perfect”.
For the sake of this blog, I will be referring to the aspiring perfection. The one infers there is some way to be without mistakes or “faults”. This is known as Perfectionism- (again from the Oxford Dictionary) “a doctrine holding that religious, moral, social, or political perfection is attainable, especially the theory that human moral or spiritual perfection should be or has been attained.”
I see this on social media all the time. The perfect way to parent. The perfect diet. The perfect life.
Here’s the thing. If perfect is subjective- that someone (whoever we give this power to) is the judge of what 'perfect’ is- is it really obtainable? With the human condition of learning from mistakes, I have a theory that might be good news: perfect doesn’t actually exist.
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My Journey With The Unobtainable
As someone in eating disorder recovery, I am no stranger to the pursuit of perfect. I spent the majority of my teenage and young adult life forcing my body to be something she isn’t (naturally thin). In that effort, I lost the connection to my true self- full of objective and subjective “faults” and “defects”. Part of my recovery is not only allowing myself to make mistakes, but to own them and celebrate them. I now love how my front two teeth cross a little. I now embrace the fluctuating size of my abdomen (usually a helpful clue to where I am on my cycle). Errors in my life are met with a shrug, some compassion and a let’s see how this can be different next time.
There was a point in my life where it was hard for me to find deep friendships because I would put myself in an authority role and didn’t practice vulnerability. I know at that time people did not feel safe to be authentic around me because I couldn’t be authentic with myself (let alone them). As someone who is actively in recovery from perfectionism and has loved many perfectionists- I can tell you no one truly can relax in this energy.
The Problem
There was Australian study published in 2013 that found a significant correlation between PTSD and perfectionism (Egan, Hattaway and Kane, 2013). For individuals who have experienced chaos or trauma, ‘perfect’ (or the illusion of it) can feel safe. And- the energy of perfect often has the opposite effect than what it hopes for. People around the perfectionist often feel less safe, too. They notice the internalized judgement the perfectionist feels towards themself, and might fear that criticism could be turned onto them. As someone who is actively in recovery from perfectionism and has loved many perfectionists- I can tell you no one is happy with this effort in the end.
Perfectionism goes beyond one’s body image. It can show up in relationships, work, parenting and expectation on themselves.
Here are some traits of perfectionists:
High Expectations
Adverse to criticism
Fixation on mistakes
Fear of failure- sometimes to the point of not trying anything new
Rigid thinking
Harsh judgement on self and others
If these feel like you, this is not an inditement. This is an offering for freedom and peace from a highly critical mind that I have been all-too-familiar with.
The Solution
I am not here to simply tell you how harmful perfectionism is. There is a way out of this mental cage. My years of personal recovery and also helping others through yoga therapy have cumulated in a podcast I co host with trauma therapist, Kate Martin called- you guessed it- Be With Your Body. We came up with 7 Principles of Embodiment. This list was originally created for eating disorder recovery, but is so helpful for many types of trauma responses, including perfectionism. Move through this list in anyway that feels right. We go into depth of each principle on our podcast, offering tools and practices to come back home to yourself.
Acknowledge The Struggle: As mentioned above, perfectionism is a trauma response. It was likely a coping mechanism that worked until it didn’t. If you relate to some of these aspects of yourself, you may be noticing that perfectionism holds you back from trusting and being your authentic self. There is likely a lot of ways you control both yourself and others, making relationships more complicated than they need to be.
Compassion For Self And Others: Recognizing perfectionist tendencies is challenging, so I hope you find kindness for yourself. The thing about perfectionism is it often brings external success. It is rewarded in our culture. You may be doing really well from all measures, but still lack satisfaction in your life. You may struggle to enjoy what you have, thinking there is always something more. This is challenging. Be kind to yourself and others- whether they are in the same mental state or not.
Curiosity Over Criticism: If you are a perfectionist, your brain is likely wired to notice what isn’t working to avoid those “faults” and “defects”. This makes a critical brain. I have learned from ED recovery that one cannot love themself if they are coming from hate. We need to find neutrality first. A great tool to experience neutrality is curiosity. My favorite curious practice: Find your Senses:
*Practice these regularly to rewire your brain both when you are in a critical cycle and when you feel neutral.
Sight: Notice something neutral about what you see. Maybe name a color in your direct view.
Smell: What is something neutral your smell?
Sound: Notice a neutral sound
Sensation: What do your clothes feel like on your skin? Can you feel the seat you are in?
Notice how your attention starts to shift the more you practice this.
Cultivate Presence: After you start training your brain to be less critical, notice what this present moment is like. This is a great tool to observe what is working. There is always beauty and magic around us, we simply need to train our brains to see it. Then you are finally ready for…
Neutrality: Once you find a state of neutrality, you can be with what is instead of what you want it to be. This is where most of our suffering comes from- wanting things to be different than they are. This does not mean we are neutral in the face of oppression, but to discern where we put our energy.
Pleasure and Joy: This one is so important. Life is meant to be enjoyed and it is really hard to do that when you want everything to be “perfect”. When you clear some of your neural pathways from wanting to “fix” everything, you can discover what you truly enjoy!
Be The Change: Perfectionism is so common these days that we have become constantly afraid of criticism. What if these simple steps rippled out into the world, creating more compassion, kindness and presence?
If you would like to learn more or simply listen to me and Kate explore the depths of these practices every other week, click here.
There are no straight lines in nature. Trees and flowers curve towards the sun. Rivers erode and bend. My daughter and I love to look at the little differences in the snail shells we find in our garden. Nature is full of “faults” or “defects” and we are part of nature. There is hope. You, too, can learn to let go and flow. Ease, freedom and trust is possible. That inner judge is lying and will keep you from your glorious, messy, evolving self who is always curving towards the sun.
Bibliography
(Not my perfectionist recovery ass citing an article haha)
Eagan, Sarah J, Hattaway, Mary, Kane, Robert T. “The Relationship between Perfectionism and Rumination in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” Cambridge University Press. 15 Fed 2013. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/behavioural-and-cognitive-psychotherapy/article/abs/relationship-between-perfectionism-and-rumination-in-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/8BCCD0AFD272B5AD0B92ED7085FC82EA 30 May 2024
